Butterflies and Trains

No, I am not talking about how marvelous Spring is, or how much I love to travel by train.

I am talking about that feeling you get every time you 'get' a signal from someone from your past or present time.

When I first fell in love I thought I would never love someone like I loved that person. Luckily, I learnt I was young and naive. Yes, I did learn to love again. It took me shit loads of time, but I learnt a lot. Or at least, I should have. The main lesson I was taught was that I needed to learn to love me first.

I left him at the train station, I got on the train, always looking back. It was a deep introspective, self-inflicted painful journey. It was bitter. But I eventually continued my path, the most important step is when you turn your head and look forward. You pose countless conjectures - you refuse to accept the situation, you try to figure out why, emptiness fills your heart as much as love did. After emptiness, sadness, even rage. I did not understand this back then, but time is crucial. Time heals. No matter how much you hate this statement. Cliches are cliches for a reason - because they are true.

Why does time heel? Because in between the time you are processing all your feelings and thoughts, you are a coin, you have two different sides. You want to know what the other is doing or feeling, but on the other hand you don't. Why inflict more pain? Why bother? It's gone, gone, gone.

And then you feel the butterflies in your stomach. Butterflies that make you feel like grabbing a bike and ride like a lunatic or sing loud and clear and look to the sky.

I found this draft when I came here to (finally) update my blog. I must have been feeling quite nostalgic.

Yes, I now have butterflies in my stomach. Yes, I'm in love.

Hold my hand tight

I always forget to come back here.

I'm afraid I am too lazy to sit and just write what I feel.

I have a lot to share, my recent trip to London and Prague, going back to uni, having a part-time job, my academic future, but I'll postpone all that for a little bit longer. Today I am sharing the beauty of holding hands.

When we are young we hold the hands of our parents. To prevent us from running down the street and being hit by a car, to help us walking, or maybe just because we are having a walk at the park. When we reach adolescence we like to hold our lover's hand to express the passion, the commitment. However, when we get older those kind of expressions disappear. You still see couples hugging or perhaps a kiss once in a while, but that sense of showing affection in public when we pass the 40s is gone.

A couple of days ago I saw an old couple having a walk with their hands holding tight. The lady was not holding her husband's arm to help her walking, they were simply walking holding their hands. I then realised, and maybe I am quite naive, that true love must be that - getting that age and still be in love. Walking down a street holding hands.

Conversa com o Nevoeiro

- Nevoeiro porque não te vais e me deixas falar com o céu?

- Por vezes eu tenho que intervir.

- Mas porquê?

- Porque eu trago o branco e o nada, e há quem precise que na cabeça não se passe nada mais que o nada.

- Mas eu não consigo fazer com que não se passa nada, que tudo seja branco. Por isso queria ver o céu.

- Porquê ver o céu quando podes ver todo o nada em mim?

- Porque o céu tem várias cores. Porque no céu há réstias de Verão e Inverno. Porque no céu se vê o infinito.

- Mas se nunca sentes o nada em ti, como consegues suportar todas essas inquietações, todas essas hipóteses que a tua cabeça formula a toda a hora?

- Não consigo, mas nem tu, nem o céu me vão dar respostas. Eventualmente eu encontrá-las-ei.

- Eventualmente...Mas fazia-te bem, por um segundo, deixares a tua mente cair no meu regaço e esquecer essa frustração, essa tristeza, essa culpa.

- Talvez, talvez. Mas o teu branco é incerto, é dúbio. Chega até a ser perigoso. Não sei o que pode acontecer no meio da tua brancura e do teu nada. E a culpa...A culpa é da minha fé nos outros.

- Pois, eu de facto não mostro tudo com clareza não. Não te preocupes, vou-me embora em breve.

- Obrigada.

London, Italy and airports

During my exchange programme in London I have been trying to do one of the things I love the most: see places. Getting in a low cost flight and just go and see the world (well...Europe).

Most people hate airports. Some don't like flying. Some hate the waiting. Some just want to go home.

I love airports. Airports are the perfect spot for learning vital things for my future job, translation: there is no better place to listen to all the languages floating in the same area and it is one of the best places to actually observe people. You can learn so much about living in society and people's behaviour. It is really helpful. I like to observe people, to listen to their conversations, to see how their body language works, their precise and unique gestures. I find that quite amazing.

Let's take a trip to my last visits to airports!

The end of October has been quite blessed and I got back to my city. London.

It was strange, but good. I still had my 16-25 railcard so I was able to get my final discounts as a Londoner student. I knew exactly what to do and where to go.

I think I finally felt how much that city is important to me. I spent so much time there, I took so many long walkings by the Thames, I understand so well the old, dark and dusty underground...It felt I never left.

And I think that is the reason why I will eventually get back to live there. Because I understand and feel part of the culture, because I am foreign and I evaluate so well the good and bad, because I will always have Lisbon waiting for me to make up for the non-lasting sun and the panoramic views.

I will always complain about the food, always complain about how the tube gets me panic attacks, get annoyed about how people don't know how to walk in Oxford Circus or Tottenham Court Rd., but I will always love the enormous variety London as to offer. Even the mud of the foreshore sounds appealing, if you spare some time to have a walk by those lamps and trees.

I finally visited some food markets, I got back to Nero for some lovely Caramelatte and I was able to meet most of my dear friends. I even got the time to get back to long and busy Finchley Rd and have a meal at the Indian restaurant I used to go. Getting on the 13 was never so special. I felt quite nostalgic looking at my old bedroom window.

I am pleased of going back again in January, as I want to take some pictures with my new and proper camera. Go to some parks that I haven't got the chance to visit... Well, get more in love with the city, if that is possible.

Continuing my trip, ten days later I got back to charming Bologna. This trip was nothing of what I was expecting. Between severe delays due to the French strike and rude Italian people I don't know what could have gone worse...Oh wait, I know: miss all regional trains to Bologna and not being able to visit a new city, Milano.

Nevertheless, the purpose of the journey was not seeing new places. I mean, it was in a way, because I knew I was going to visit places I had seen before, but the main reason was to visit my dear and beautiful friend Marta. She is now experiencing the wonders of Erasmus. I could not possibly refuse to visit her, because when I was abroad she and three more of our friends made me very happy by visiting me. There are some times you feel so lonely that is really good when someone from home comes to share your new reality.

I am so glad I was able to get back to Bologna. I was able to see it with more time, to actually enjoy the food and the monuments and, obviously, to be with her.

Florence was not supposed to happen, but it was a lovely mistake on our train doomed plans. Venice was windy and rainy, although it was a still a pleasure, as it is such a mythic and unique place. Plus the company was perfect.

Next stop: London revival part II and PRAGUE! Yes, I am finally going to Prague.

If lat year I could not imagine I was going to visit Italy anytime soon, I could not possibly have guessed that I was going to revisit London and all the cities I have visited with Carolina in Italy and finally Prague.

Bare in mind that I have been working hard to fulfill all these hidden dreams.

Post again soon...I hope.

PS - Ana, consider yourself in that picture as well, if you please.

Honesty

Word of the day:

HONESTY.

Because it is obligatory, because it is the basis of everything, because it defines someone as whole.

Time for new blank pages be filled with ink.

C.

xx

Rentrée

E mais um ano lectivo começa. Desta vez estou em minha casa, no meu quarto remodelado, com uma decoração nova e completamente ao meu gosto.

Ainda há vestígios de Londres, umas caixas para arrumar, coisas para catalogar...Enfim.

Contudo há também o início de algo novo. Eu pensava que pensar à FCSH seria fazer novos amigos, pois não teria nenhuma cara conhecida, mas enganei-me. Velhas caras receberam-me de braços abertos e com muita simpatia. O meu ego sentiu-se bem. Por alguma razão senti sempre que a minha base de amigos não era na faculdade e agora acho que pode ser o começo de algo importante e bom. Isto não quer dizer, obviamente, que eu não tivesse amigos de anos anteriores, mas alguns já não estão lá e, por outro lado, cada um tem a sua vida.

O regresso a Portugal foi muito agitado. Comecei logo a trabalhar nos festivais de verão, reencontrei-me com os meus amigos e tentei aproveitar ao máximo a cidade de Lisboa. Sinto-me mais velha, não só em termos de idade, mas mesmo como pessoa. Parece que num ano fiz muito e que evoluí. Isto para dizer que este blog tinha tanto pó como tem agora a minha mesa de cabeceira (que não deve ser limpa há dois meses!).

E agora vou voltar para as minhas traduções de Francês, e parar de engonhar!

Espero actualizar-me em breve.

C.

xx

Land of Begin Again

I know it's been a very long time. A lot happened in between.

Today is just about a bright future. A sign of hope. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more about something else.

There's a land of begin again

On the other side of the hill

Where we learn to love and live again

When the world is quiet and still

There's a land of begin again

And there's not a cloud in the sky

Where we'll never have to grieve again

And we'll never say goodbye

When all your troubles just surround you

And around you skies are grey

If you can only keep your eyes on

The horizon, not so far away

There's a land of begin again

On the other side of the hill

Where we learn to love and live again

When the world is quiet and still

There's a land of begin again

And there's not a cloud in the sky

Where we'll never have to grieve again

And we'll never say goodbye

There aren't any signposts to guide you

You don't need permission to stay

And you'll find there's something inside you

Showing you the way

There's a prize we can win again

And together, somehow, we will

There's a land of begin again

On the other side of the hill