Home

After a month of deliberation I decided to go back home.

As I take pictures from the walls, empty drawers and throw things away I feel this adrenaline rushing, making my heart jumping out of my chest.
I imagine myself holding my mum, my nan, my brother, my cousins and my beloved friends. I picture my own body laying down on my bed, feeling the freshness of cleaned ironed linen, where my body is fully aligned with the space I built for my own peace of mind.

I will not say London did not offer me what I was looking for. I would say I did not look for London while I was here.
I felt alone in this double bed. I felt alone at a city that has so much to offer, and so much I can connect with.
I have been to gigs, I helped some charities, I have been with family and some friends (not as many as I would have liked), I have seen exhibitions, I travelled and I finally explored something I recently discovered I enjoy - photography. I would not dare to say this has not made me richer in knowledge and social-cultural experiences, however emptiness dominates me, because I feel I have no one actually sharing those moments with me.
I have gained a deeper insight of what I already knew it takes to be a Londoner, especially with the status of student long gone.
Plus I was again challenged with the atrocious task of expectations and relationships. I am still amazed how after some time I am still admitting things like 'I was wrong about you'. Nevertheless that is a task I must complete throughout my life... It does not mean it is not painful. It does not mean I am not allowed to feel disappointed. Disappointed at myself, disappointed at the ones who surrounded me, or at least I thought they did.

The opportunity of working for the Olympics, even through an event's company, was something that led me to question if I do want to put myself under this kind of pressure.
I mean, it is an opportunity of a life time, but let's face it: I am small and anxious. I panic in the tube at rush hours. I cannot picture myself at rush hour + 10 million Londoners + the Queen's Jubilee + the Olympic Games... Not to mention every single Londoner is trying to make a profit out of ridiculous rent figures. What I would have earned by the time the Games would actually start, I would have already spent commuting or paying accommodation.
As much as I fancy the good looks of this kind of experience on my CV, I rather be back at home, on my safety nest, working and learning at music festivals (which in the end is what I love the most) than spending my Summer wearing black trousers and black shirts, opening bottles of wine and doing the dishes.
I want my independence, I want to help who helped me these last 22 and a half years, but that will have to be postponed if I cannot find the courage and the strength to be on my own, if my nights are long and full of sorrow.

I do not regret the decision I made 5 moths ago. I hope I do not regret this one too.
Right now, it is what I need. Right now is what it has to be done.

Ode à Praia

O meu âmago vive na praia. Lá se deita o meu corpo iluminado pelo sol e o vento quente.

Na praia percorro o mar até este se mergir com o céu. E aí me perco. Aí tudo sinto.

Amo os primeiros laivos de verão, quando os meus pés tocam a água fria e os grãos de areia se me entranham. Provo o sal na ponta dos meus cabelos, na minha pele, sal que me cobre poro a poro.

Na praia caminho até onde o chão acaba, enquanto a brisa e as gotas me envolvem. É onde canto e corro para o nada, talvez sonhando que alguém me irá abraçar lá ao fundo. Na praia a música toca em crescendo. Passo a passo, verso a verso, corro. As palavras mergulham mar adentro. A melodia e eu dançamos ao ritmo das ondas. Corro e canto e sonho. Desejo-te sem fim abrindo os braços ao céus.

Na praia mora a memória do teu beijo. Beijo salgado, quente. Os teus dedos e a areia acariciam o meu pescoço. Na praia nascemos. Na praia morremos quando o sol laranja desceu o céu rosado e tocou o azul da água.

No mar sou uma pena, perfurando a onda um arrepio percorre-me de uma ponta à outra. Lavo a mente. Lavo a alma. Lavo as lágrimas, para que o mar continue salgado. Esqueço a vida, esqueço-te, esqueço-me. Renasço. E perfuro as ondas e uma e outra vez.

Na praia sou a água fresca, sou brisa quente e doce, sou o pó, sou o brilho do sol. Na praia sou tudo. Na praia sou nada. Na praia sonho até onde o mar acaba. Na praia vive a minha alma.

Carolina

2 Abril 2012, Londres

Aprender a Dizer Adeus

Não volte pra casa meu amor que aqui é triste
Não volte pro mundo onde você não existe
Não volte mais
Não olhe pra trás
Mas não se esqueça de mim, não
Não me lembre que o sol nasce no leste e no oeste morre depois
O que acontece é triste demais
Pra quem não sabe viver, pra quem não sabe amar

Não volte pra casa meu amor que a casa é triste
Desde que você partiu aqui nada existe
Então, não adianta voltar
Acabou o seu tempo, acabou o seu mar, acabou seu dia
Acabou, acabou

Não volte pra casa meu amor que aqui é triste
Vá voar com o vento que só lá você existe
Não esqueça que eu não sei mais nada
Nada de você

Não me espere porque eu não volto logo
Não nade porque eu me afogo
Não voe porque eu caio do ar
Não sei flutuar nas nuvens como você
Você não vai entender
Que eu não sei voar
Eu não sei mais nada

Dó com baixo em dó
Sol com baixo em si
Lá com baixo em lá
Lá com baixo em sol
Fá com baixo em fá
Fá com baixo em fá sustenido
Sol com baixo em sol
Sol com lá bemol

Dó maior com dó
Sol maior com si
Lá menor com lá
Lá menor com sol

Fá com baixo em fá
Fá com baixo em fá sustenido
Sol com baixo em sol
Sol com lá bemol

Não me espere porque eu não volto logo
Não nade porque eu me afogo
Não voe porque eu caio do ar
Não sei flutuar nas nuvens como você
Você não vai entender
Que eu não sei voar
Eu não sei mais nada

Dó com baixo em dó
Sol com baixo em si
Lá com baixo em lá
Lá com baixo em sol
Fá com baixo em fá
Fá com baixo em fá sustenido
Sol com baixo em sol
Sol com lá bemol

Canção Pra Não Voltar, A Banda Mais Bonita da Cidade.

Às vezes, quando menos esperamos, percebemos finalmente aquilo que já nos haviam dito. Às vezes é preciso arte para que a alma perceba aquilo que o cérebro nos diz.

Às vezes, é preciso saber dizer adeus. Mas um adeus verdadeiro.

Both Sides Now

'Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all'

Other special thanks!

I know that are a lot of people missing, but I could not leave my Beatriz out. Thank you for everything!

I wish you a 2012 full of butterflies!

Also Susana, my big sister, Martha (let dance illuminate our lives) and António, the older brother, my protective friend!

Finally my special friends in the UK, Carmen, Coryn, Sahar, Hirra, Matt and the others :)

xxxx

2011's Balance

I would like to say that 2011's balance was positive, but it was not.

I finished my degree proudly, while I worked part-time in a bakery and I've established solid friendships that I hope they carry on for the rest of my life.

I finally admitted that music is my true passion, that I have it in my genes, because I was basically raised in the industry and for the last couple of years I have been working at the major festivals in Portugal.

I have this feeling of wanting to learn so much more about the music industry and how can I develop my skills. This put me on a difficult position. Which masters? Where? Is my mother going to understand my passion, my wish? What about my degree in Translation? Am I giving up or give it a try? Well, I did not give up on Translation, but I understood it is not what is going to make me happy and fulfilled for the rest of my life. And I don't know why, but I took a long time to admit it. I think from other's perspective was more than obvious.

Thus, when I got my diploma I was in this limbo, waiting for an answer from KCL, fighting against time to live the love of my life while I was working at the same time in Summer, continuing my functions at Jamie Cullum Portugal, attending gigs and far more important being with my friends. I ended up without my love, without anything to do, as KCL rejected my application, without any idea of how my unwanted gap year would be, and worse I ended up sick, really sick. Sick to the point where my family and close friends had to intervene.

Meanwhile I had to deal with other problems. Cancer took me two family members, one of them the closest of my life - my dear aunt Idalina. Even knowing she was in pain and afraid, she made sure I never left my studies and plans behind. I gladly walked her to her several appointments and exams when I could, I stood behind her son and I had to see her depart on the exact same spot where my dad was cremated. The exact same spot where five years ago she had to pull me out of there and comfort me. She was my third mum, after my nan.

At the same time, age finally hit my nan hard. My nan, this wonderful, perfect, respectable, adorable, sensitive and intelligent human being lost her ability to walk by herself in the streets. It got far too dangerous. So, my family and I shared the time between several hospitals and clinics, taking care of these two loves of my life, doing everything we could so they could feel as comfortable and happy.

My nan lived during the dictatorship, taking her freedom of being an independent woman, a true believer of the republic, was one of the hardest things for her to accept. Fortunately she is fine, she is under control and with this amazing strength to help others too. My nan is a fighter!

So in September the bubble bursted and I am where I am now.

Fighting with my own personality, my impulses, organizing my brain, learning how and with whom to communicate, fighting against my own body. Some things I have already achieved, others I will keep trying to surpass.

Yesterday the dog that spent my childhood and adolescence with me died. Tua (in English means 'yours') was adorable and smart and I surely miss him.

I would like to thank my wonderful family, especially my mum and my nan, Elsa (for being a constant in my daily life, supporting me and lecturing me when I needed), Joana (for the fun times and for being such a great listener), Carlos (for the 24h support, for not leaving me alone), Bruno (for the jokes, the support, the company, and to show me that life is short), Raquel (an honest, funny and incredible adorable friend), Fred (for entering my life so happily, for cheering me up with his craziness and his jokes), Mariya (for making my life sweeter and gorgeous), Marta (your love for life and your friendship are the best), Di (for being so generous and supportive), Ana Tang (for your beautiful company, your open minded view, your intelligence), Paula (for making my life richer in jokes, and constantly register our friends' moments), Pandinha (for your sweetness), Sara Mageon (for the fun and being a fashion inspiration), Rita Gonçalves (you beautiful, sweet, caring new friend!), Mafaldinha (my beautiful cousin that helped me when I fell into pieces and did the best she could), Tiago (for loving me, even after how it all ended). Special thanks to all the Cullumholics: Paul, Michelle, Maria, Susana and Clara Lopes, Diana, Stephanie and all the others - what a great community we are.

And last, but not least - Jamie Cullum. For being an inspiration everyday, for your honesty, craziness, for your talent, for the amazing gig and M&G on the 29th July and the company for the last six years.

I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

Therefor, I am moving to London on the 1st February, to try to pursue my dream, and if not to get a job that helps me and my mum to face this mysterious 2012. I intend to continue my masters, here or in the UK, depending how life goes in London.

Happy New Year! And good luck.

Yours truly,

Carol

A Banda Mais Bonita da Cidade

Hino ao Amor, hino à persistência, hino à Música, hino à felicidade e alegria.

Das bandas mais honestas e mais simpáticas com quem já me cruzei.

Obrigada, Banda MAIS Bonita da Cidade!